When I'm Gone
by babyluw
Summary: shit I suck at this. it's what popped up in my head when I heard the song when I'm gone by 3 doors down but it's not a song fic. one shot.
1. Chapter 1

first fic I'm putting up here hopes it goes well... yeah, I should warn for OOC...totaly. I think that's all I got to say...yeah, I do not own Bleach, this is yaoi, not so hard core tho ' yaoi means BL, boy love, boyxboy, manxman and the fact that it's Ichigo and Renji makes it ileagal to cause Ichi is a minor...but who cares?

big thank to ichkak for being my beta and correct all the shit I misspell :D ...witch means that all the rewievs that say that I should get an beta or an dictionary doesn't count anymore : )

When I'm Gone

"Ichigo, there's a thing I need to tell you" That phrase, how many times has it been the beginning of an end? Those words spoken so softly from his lips, it caught all my attention.

"What is it?" We were in my room. I was by the desk doing my homework, like so many times before.

"It's rather important" I knew that, just by the tone in your voice. And when I turned to look at you I knew by everything else too. You were lying on my bed with your hands on your stomach, feet touching the floor, and holding your head up by the wall. Your eyes were so serious; I've only seen them that solemn two times before.

"You're freaking me a bit here"

"Well, if that's all it takes to freak you, you won't be able to take the rest" He swept down a bit more so that his head left the wall and his eyes left mine to stare at the ceiling. I couldn't let my eyes leave him. Just the way he breathed made me scared.

"In soul society-" That made me relax, oh God, that made me breath again. "There's this rule, shit, how should I say this. You ever wondered why it's not over booked so to say?"

"No..." I still didn't like the tone of your voice. If this were about Soul Society, it shouldn't be about me, or us.

"Well, you know that in Soul Society everybody lives like, forever...or at least they would be able to..."

"What are you getting at?" My head was spinning like crazy, pieces were found everywhere but I couldn't put them together.

"There's this rule, that after 500 years... you're sent to death..."

"What? That's insane, why kill people who are fine?!" My voice was getting higher as I became more nervous. I could put the pieces together, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to know.

"Cause otherwise it would be over booked, so to say..."

How could he be so cool? This was the side of him they called crazy and inhuman "...what does this have to do with anything?" Oh god I knew, I knew, before you said it I knew.

"Ichigo...I'm 499 years old..." I know, I know, and it's the night of august 30...

"But you're a vice captain, they can't kill a vice captain can they?" My mind was progressing fast, really fast, any way out, even if just a small bathroom window on the third floor, I would take it.

"Only captains are spared..."

"Fuck 'em, I'm not letting you die. I could save Rukia from them, I can save you." Why crawl through small windows when you got the power to knock down walls?

"You can't, once is enough Ichi... you won't be forgiven a second time, fuck you wouldn't be forgiven the first time either if it wasn't for Aizen's betrayal" That was true, and I did know that there was nothing I could do, but I didn't want do give up, not yet. But hope is a treasure that has to be carried by two.

"I don't care if I'm forgiven or not as long as you're alive nothing else matters!" I was losing my cool, my heart was beating fast, the anger inside was building up as well as the sorrow, pain, panic and desperation.

"Really? Not even your friends? Your family? This town?" He seated himself up, staring at me so intense before continuing. "They wiped the whole Quincy clan out, remember?" The room went silent again, oh God so silent.

I didn't know what to do, standing up, clenching my fists. I wanted to hit someone, something so badly, but what? His hand reached out and grabbed one of my fists, pulling me closer. I was just standing there, silent; his head was resting on my stomach as he was still sitting on my bed. His hand left my fist and went behind my thighs, hugging me tightly.

"I love you, you know that right?" How could he even ask something like that? My hands went to rest on his shoulders, fingers digging in his long locks.

"I know...I love you too" It feels as if I have a big black lump in my throat.

"Your voice in unsteady..." My eyes are burning and I do my best to keep tears back.

"Yours to" My legs won't hold me up any longer and as my knees touch the ground I get face to face with him. His eyes were red by nature but this wasn't the same red, now they were blood splattered and I could see that he was holding his tears back with the same force that I used to hold back mine.

Just the thought of that he wouldn't be here was giving me nightmares and now he's telling me that he'll disappear forever. Fuck.

"Please don't..." I start, but I can't bring myself to finish.

"Please hold me" He would never beg, never once had he begged, and it's breaking my hope.

There's really no way out.

My arms close around him, my nose digging in behind his ear. His hands go under my shirt and up my back. I loosen the grip a bit so that he can take it off. I can't look in his eyes, and he knows, he knows that when things get too much I just want to fight, doesn't matter were or how. And I know, I know that he want to take things easy.

My eyes are on his lips, I see them part slightly, I see his teeth biting the lower, hesitant and then I feel them on my own. His upper lip slides between mine, he sucks gently on my lower before biting and drawing it out. He pulls his head away just a few inches, my lip still between his teeth. He lets go and crush our teeth together as he leans back in to fast. My mouth opens up, cause I know that's what he wants, and our tongues meet. I don't know how we do it; every muscle in our bodies are tense, but still our tongues melt together so relaxed.

My hands are grabbing at his back, pulling his shirt in all different ways and we part. I still can't look him in the eyes. Slowly and steady my hands pulls the shirt up and he raise his arms to help me. My eyes follows the tender muscles that hid beneath, I've seen them so many times before, still, now when I know that I won't be able to see them when ever I want, my focus on those black lines are as never before. I follow them the whole way, stopping at your neck, clearly avoiding your eyes and you pull me back in.

Your hands go in my hair and one is staying there as the other is travelling over my body. Your touch is making me shiver and I let go of your mouth and bite down on your neck, and I hear you moan. My hands are at your sides and I don't know what to do. I want to strip you down to the very bone and I want to do this so slowly that it'll never end. I want to be in you, I want you to be in me, I want you, oh God knows that I want you.

I push you down on the bed and as my legs leave the floor my pants leave my legs and I pull yours off too before I crawl between your legs. I will go slow cause I know that's how you like it.

I do everything I know that you like, that special spot behind your ear, your nipples, I let my tongue down you pelvis. My hands are on the inside of your thighs, at the hollows of your knees, at your back, in your hair. You shudder, whimper, moan and my name slips off your lips so many times.

Hours later you're in my arms and it's just that perfect moment, where everything seems so simple.

"You want food or anything?"

"...No, just... hold me when I'm here..." That reminds me, that brings me back to reality.

"When will they come to get you?"

"In the morning... Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to stay here" Your head leaves my chest and goes up to rest in the hollow of my neck.

"I won't be able to do this otherwise, so please just stay here. And if I know you right you wont be able to just stand there either." You have a small smile on your lips, I can feel it. My arms hug you even tighter, and the lump in my throat that was almost gone is back.

He slips between my legs and he bites my neck, he twists and he pulls and his nails are scratching my back leaving long red lines. And I do the same to him. And the thought of him walking down the line the next day, covered in my love marks makes me a bit glad. No way I'm going to let him disappear in a fancy way.

He drives me insane, he makes me see stars, he makes me come. I lay there under him and try to cool down, I'm so tired but I don't want to fall asleep. Once again I let my eyes follow those black lines from pelvis to neck. From the top of his forehead to his eyebrows.

And I look in his eyes, I look in his eyes and he looks back at me. And I love him, I really do, and I can't keep my tears back any more. They creep up in my eyes and they fall down my face and I can't stop them, I really try but I can't. My vision of him goes blurry and that makes me cry even more cause that makes me realise that soon I won't be able to see him at all.

"Love me when I'm gone" He whispers in my ear. How can he think that I'll forget him?

"If it were so easy to fall in love I wouldn't be in so much pain" I whisper back.

He lies on my chest, and his light quick breath becomes slow and deep. He falls asleep. My hands run through his hair and even if my tears are still running down my face I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

When I wake up he's gone. I can still feel him, I can still smell him. I look at the ceiling. I look at the walls. I look at my hands.

And he is gone.

--

so, that's that! UU what do you think?

ah, should I make a secon chapter and give it a happy end? yes? no?


	2. Chapter 2

I realised that over ten people had asked for the second chapter, and the happy ending. So, I'm posting it. But, I'd once again advice you to not read it, I don't really like it, it leaves a better impression whitout it. For those who want and reads for smex, there's none in this. That's all I have to say.

--

the ending.

-

Every thing's just black.... How long have I been laying here? It's cold. I should probably change the sheets to but....Shit, why can't you be here with me?

If I don't move forward you will never be in the past. If I don't move maybe you'll come back. As long as I lay here at least I'll be able to feel your scent and the traces of your reiatsu that are still on me. Why is it such a pain to fall in love? Oh, God why did I love you so much?

It feels as if time is standing still. I stare blankly into the air and I'm playing every memory that I have of you over and over again. Keep playing your voice in my ears. Keep on playing, keep on... just remember. Never forget.

.

"Kurosaki...I'm probably shameless for doing this, but I have to ask you. Please! You have to save Rukia!!"

"Yeah..."

.

"RENJI!"

"Wait Ichigo! What are you trying to do!?"

"What? Wait you fool don't say you're going to..."

"CATCH HER!!"

"IDIOT-----!"

"RENJI!!!"

"SHUT UP!!"

"Ow!"

"The hell do you want?! I was about to say a really cool line"

"Yo! How ya been, Ichigo?"

"Re-Renji!"

.

"Were are you going?"

"First, I need to make a stop at Urahara's. He's the guy that brought you up to a sufficient level to do battle with us, isn't he? I've always wanted to meet him at least once"

.

"Let's go then, Renji!"

"Since when do I have to approve of the crap you do?!"

"It's so dark I can't see anything....."

"Hmph... guess I gotta do it... just leave it to me!"

"Huh? What's with your hand?"

"Shut up and watch! With a bit of ingenuity, kidou can be used like this too. Hadou #31 shakkahou!"

"Wow what an immensely glow. I didn't know you were such a low-key guy".

"Hey forget about it... I'll just follow that bright red hair of yours. I mean, come on, they even have stories about this kinda stuff. Like that Reindeer with the red nose, for example."

"Shut up!!!"

.

"We! Are about to head to the battlefield! Believe our blades will not shatter. Believe our souls will not be cut! Even if our steps separate, out iron will remains solid! Promise! Even if the ground may split, we will come back alive to this place!"

.

"Can I spend the night here I.... I got kicked out of Urahara's"

"Ha-ha! You were even too bad to make fun of or what?"

"What? What are you looking at?"

"Nothing.... how long have you been bleaching your hair?"

"It's natural, why can't anyone believe that.... Hey! Stop touching me!"

"You're too tense Ichigo"

.

"IMPOTENT!"

"I'M NOT IMPOTENT!!"

"VIRGIN!"

"SHUT UP!

"Oh... you didn't say against it"

"..."

"How bout we change that....?"

----

Renji walked down the main street in soul society, Byakuya on his right side. They entered a big long room; friends and combrats were standing in two lines along the room.

"I'll stop here" Byakuya's stone voice made itself heard and Renji walks alone the path that his friends and subordinates formed.

I get up on the podium a man with a white coat shakes my hand.

Why does this man look so fucking nice? It's like if he were a grandpa in a big family. He looks at me and led me to the middle of the little stage. I turn and look out over everyone who's here to bid my farewell, everyone who had been my family, my pilar and everything that was imaginable. My life. Still, Ichigo was missing. The center of it all was missing.

"How are you feeling today Abarai? Exited?" Was this man nuts?! Should you be excited over your own death?

"Uhm, I don't really know..." Oh, I want to see Ichigo. If I'm in the mortal world all the time I wouldn't be taking someone else's place, right? If I just-

"Ah I understand. You have any wish?" I want to see Ichigo, I really do. I want him to be the last thing I ever see, even if his face is full of tears and he blows the whole place into pieces. Even if that makes me lose my composure and cool. I want him here. I love him.

"Could you take Ichi here?" The man looks at me a little surprised, confused.

"Who?" Oh, yeah, no one knows that we're together. He won't be happy over this. It'll ruin his reputation.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, he's in the living world right now. I really want him to be the last thing I see." I don't even bother to look at the rest, only this old man who could bring him here. Only he mattered.

"I know this is a big step but, you don't have to speak as if you're going to die. Being a captain ain't that bad young man."

"Captain?"

The man in the white robe looked at Byakuya who now were standing beside the podium "Have you explained everything for this man? He seems quite clueless"

"I sent him a massage one month ago explaining everything." His gaze moved to glare at me. "I took it for granted that you should have read it by now."

"Uh, no, sorry. I thought I was going to die so I've spent my time in Karakura town." I could feel my cheeks heating at the thought of what I've been doing the last month and now knowing that I wasn't going to be executed made me a bit embarrassed over all the hickeys and bite marks that covered my visible neck.

"Can we really make a man a captain just like this?" He looked at Byakuya and then changed his mind and looked at me "Do you want to be a captain Abarai?"

"Yeah, I'd love to" Fuck! If I'm a captain they can't kill me! Yeah! I made it!

"Do you know all that comes with it?" I've been working with Byakuya for a little more than a year; I think I have a pretty good idea, so I nodded. "Okay then."

----

"Ichigo." Oh, I'm loosing my mind "Ichigo." I think I'm going insane "Hey! I'm talking to ya damit!"

"Ow! What the hell Renji, I was- Renji?" Is it really you? Or am I starting to have hallucinations to?

"Guess what? I'm back! Missed me?" Was he kidding with me? A joke.... just a joke....

"What the hell! Don't tell me that it was all a- Fuck you! I hate you! How could you do something like that!" I know you like to pull jokes at others but this is going too far. Way too far.

"I- Sorry, I really thought I was going to die... but, oh that's right! Ichi, they made me a captain! It seems as the letter I got a month ago was about that!"

"They what? Oh my.....Well I guess that solves it!" Shit, I can't believe it! And I actually cried for this man. I need to go.

"Hey Ichigo were you going?" Get out of my face. Get out of my face. Get Out.

"I don't want to see you right now" Fuck, do you know how crushed you made me? How my life froze when you left?

"But Ichi I..." Oh, I just want to break your bones in million pieces.

"For Christ sake don't you get it? I love you! I thought you were dead for Christ sake! And all because you didn't read a fucking letter, shit. Just leave me alone for a while!" I wanna twist your ears 'till they fall of and smash your face into a big pile of shit, or glass or someting.

He looks at me, and I can see that he's really sorry. "....Let's fight." Oh, he knows me alright. He knows me too well and I am too simple; cause that's all it takes for me to forgive him.

"Yeah, let's fight!"

--

End


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